**Reflections**

2:28PM - This Is Your Time

In memory of Columbine as well as Virginia Tech University. This is my favorite song, and very close to my heart. God Bless all those lives that have been lost.

1:58PM - *{Virginia Tech Massacre}*

I finally have access to a computer long enough where I can write in this thing. I've been needing to vent my feelings and frustrations regarding this past week and thank God I now have a chance.

Let me start out by saying that I, like millions of people in America, cannot believe what is seriously taking place in this country. And in the world, for that matter. What is WRONG with people these days?!! What is happening? Someone please tell me how going around shooting people at school or on the streets, murdering in cold blood, is going to make this world a better place? I'm so confused and overwhelmed right now.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing on Monday night. It was all over the news. My heart took on feelings that I don't think I've ever felt before. When Columbine occured, I was too young, too naive to understand the depths of what took place. But on Monday, as I was sitting in front of the television and computer like everyone else in this country, I was blown away and I honestly feel like some part of my heart has been chipped away. My heart goes out to those victims and to the survivors. To the parents, family, and friends who are mourning their loved one's death. And somehow, in the midst of all this chaotic mess, I'm trying to figure out how someone so young could have such rage towards his peers.

I can't believe that three horrible things have taken place within this week. Monday, there was the Virginia Tech massacre, today, the 20th, is the anniversary of Columbine and yesterday was the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombings.

I hate sitting in front of the television, watching images of Cho Seung-Hui fill my screen. It haunts me at night and I can't stand listening to his voice in those horrible videos any longer. I think it was a bad decision on the medias part to air his videos and letter. It just brings more pain to everyone and it clearly doesn't bring any understanding or light to the situation. Obviously, this guy was mentally ill and disturbed. I feel like more should have been done but at the same time, what can we do? There isn't any way to figure out what's going on inside someone like this, who has so much rage. Especially since he kept most of it inside of himself. I also think it's ridiculous that a lot of people expect his parents to issue an apology. First of all, despite the tragedy that this guy brought forth, he was loved by his parents and his parents have to cope with the fact that not only is their son a murderer and responsible for 32 people's deaths, but they also have to cope with the fact that he's gone and he killed himself. The parents are in just as much mourning and people need to give them a break and try to help them out, too.

Another thing I just have to get off my chest is the major annoyance I feel when people make a "joke" out of all that has happened. Or maybe anger is more an appropriate term. Where do people get off calling in bomb threats to schools, bringing guns to school, issuing death threats, etc on the anniversary of Columbine and the day after Virginia Tech? Get with it people! People are in pain and this is how you react? In my opinion, these "copy cats" are full of bullshit and need to get over themselves. I'm sick and tired of people being idiots and trying to purposely make a joke out of all of this, all the while inflicting more pain upon people who are trying to heal and cope. It's sickening.

Lastly, I'd just like to say that just because something happens clear across the country, doesn't mean we shouldn't care. And I've come across a lot of people in the past few days who really don't care about what happened, or at least they don't act like they do. Get over yourselves! When are you going to start caring? When it actually happens here? Seriously!!

Anyway, I just needed to vent all of my thoughts and frustrations. There's plenty more where that came from, but right now, that's all I can handle.

Current mood: crappy

1:57PM - *{Just A Girl}*

I'm just a girl.

I'm just a girl that wants the simple things in life.

I'm just a girl who has blue eyes and brown hair and a heart full of dreams.

I'm just a girl that wants all that life has to offer.

I'm just a girl that loves God.

I'm just a girl that really doesn't have any alterior motives.

I'm just a girl that has feelings like everyone else.

I'm just a girl that has problems like everyone else.

I'm just a girl that wants to be unique.

I'm just a girl and I don't give into peer pressure.

I'm just a girl who has a lot to offer.

I'm just a girl who wants someone to realize that she has a lot to offer.

I'm just a girl that wants to live a long and happy life.

I'm just a girl that doesn't want to be regarded as selfish.

I'm just a girl who wants a guy that makes her laugh when she's at her lowest point.

I'm just a girl that wants the guy she loves to trust her.

I'm just a girl who says sorry and sincerely means it.

I'm just a girl that doesn't want to be taken advantage of.

I'm just a girl that wants to feel safe and protected.

I'm just a girl that doesn't care about materialistic things or money. I only want love.

I'm just a girl who wants the white picket fence and the perfect house.

I'm just a girl who wants to be loved and cherished by a man that is hopelessly in love with me.

I'm just a girl that wants respect and kindness.

I'm just a girl that wants the one I love to remain faithful to me.

I'm just a girl that wants to get married to my soulmate.

I'm just a girl that wants to go dancing with her girlfriends and nothing else.

I'm just a girl that wants to be understood.

I'm just a girl that wants the guy who loves her to look beyond the surface and read between the lines.

I'm just a girl that wants to be remembered for her smile and her kindness to everyone around her.

I'm just a girl who wants to be a good person.

I'm just a girl who wants to do things right.

I'm just a girl who is not like other girls.

I'm just a girl who is easily vulnerable.

I'm just a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

I'm just a girl that wants this world to be a better place.

I'm just a girl who wants what every girl wants: a guy who wipes the tears from my face as I cry because I'm sad.

I'm just a girl who wants the guy she's in love with to be gentle.

I'm just a girl who doesn't want to be picked on or made fun of.

I'm just a girl who wants to have children someday.

I'm just a girl who wants her friends and family to respect her.

I'm just a girl that may not be able to do it all by herself.

I'm just a girl who wants people to believe in me and see the best in me.

I'm just a girl that wants to take other people's sadness away.

I'm just a girl that commits myself to one man and no other.

I'm just a girl who wants that man to never hurt her.

I'm just a girl who wants a puppy to cuddle up with when she's sad.

I'm just a girl who wants someone I can turn to when I'm sad or lonely.

I'm just a girl who makes mistakes.

I'm just a girl that tries to learn from them.

I'm just a girl that wants to be forgiven for her shortcomings

I'm just a girl who loves purple.

I'm just a girl that wants to be held for no reason.

I'm just a girl that wants Brad to be the one to hold me.

I'm just a girl who wants people to be proud of her.

I'm just a girl who loves to laugh.

I'm just a girl who wants to laugh but can't right now.

I'm just a girl who wants to be kissed in the rain.

I'm just a girl that sticks by her values and would never compromise them.

I'm just a girl and I'm not a liar.

I'm just a girl and I'm not mean.

I'm just a girl and I don't like to hurt people.

I'm just a girl whos heart is fragile.

I'm just a girl that wants to save herself for the right guy.

I'm just a girl who wants that guy to be Brad.

I'm just a girl that wants to be taken out on dates.

I'm just a girl who wants the guy who loves her to stick up for her.

I'm just a girl who wants the guy that loves her to cherish her and take care of her heart through the good times and the bad times.

I'm just Alyssa and I want to be happy.

Current mood: crappy

7:15PM - *{Naked}*

In this pew I do sit and pray

Opening my heart, which has been bruised and broken

Lost along the way

It's hard to find the words

But I know there's no need

I know that it's only you Lord that can see right through me

I know you can see my pain and sense my fear

I yearn for someone to understand

Perhaps that's what brought me here

Last night I cursed you

Not caring what I said

Why do I feel this way Lord, where has my heart been led?

I don't mean what I say; I don't mean what I do

I can no longer hide

Naked I stand before you

The tears freely fall

And shame rips through my soul

This ache I've been feeling has finally taken its toll

I walk around, masked in disguise

Hiding whatever pain can be reflected in my eyes

Yet the light inevitably turns to dusk

And this mask comes undone

It's during this time that I most want to run

Run away from the hole

That digs itself deep

I can't no longer stop myself and I start to weep

The one I love I lash out at most

Lord, please tell me why I do this

When I need him to help me cope

Bridges get burned and fights do arise

If only he could see the naked truth in my eyes

Each day is a struggle

And so a new story I write

What can I do today, to push my feelings aside?

I run and I run and out of breath I finally am

This story is all out of pages

So Lord, here is my pen, please write me your plan

Take away this grief that has been bestowed upon me

I've been doing everything wrong

It's only you that can set me free

These thoughts and prayers I hope you hear

Even though I cannot see you, your presence is near

Please tell the one I love I'm sorry for what I've done

I hope that you can shed light on the wounds where there may be none

I no longer want to hide from the word of your truth

Oh lord, here I am

Standing naked in front of you

-Alyssa Henderson

Current mood: drained

4:30AM - *{Irish Proverbs and Quotes for the Irish at Heart}*

*{Irish Proverbs and Quotes for the Irish at Heart}*

Current mood: happy

4:29AM - *{Updates!!}*

I haven't had an "official" update in a while so I should probably write one.

First off, I'd just like to mention that my mom went into the doctor and everything is okay.That morning was very intense but everything is going to be okay and we don't have to worry anymore. She was actually handling it better than I was. I am very relieved, beyond belief. I haven't talked to my dad and I don't know how his health is doing yet. I"m still praying on that one and trying my best not to worry.

As for other things, school is going well. Most of the time, anyway. I have SO much to do in the next two weeks, it's unbelievable! I feel like my head is spinning with all of the assignments and mini projects I need to turn in. There just isn't enough hours in the day to do all of it, I tell you.

Also, just recently I was invited to be in an honor's society, Phi Theta Kappa, for my excellent grades. I'm excited about this opportunity because it means I can get a transfer scholarship, which is something I'm in dire need of. I've decided I will probably transfer to Eastern instead of UW. I can't leave my parents right now and with everything that's happened recently with them it's been a huge wake up call. I don't have to worry about transferring jobs either which is kind of a weight lifted off my shoulders. If I can't get into Eastern, I'll have WSU as my backup plan. But, I hope I can get accepted into Eastern because they have a really good social work program. Not as good as UW but they are noted for it.

As for everything else.......

Not too much longer until I take my trip. I'm SO excited!! I'm absolutely scared to death of the plane ride but it's worth it. I can't believe I'm finally going to be with him =) We have so many things planned and I can hardly wait to get started on all the time we need to make up on. =) =) =)

On a final note.....

15 more days until St. Patrick's Day. Paaaaaaaaarty!!!!! Go US IRISH! I can hardly wait =)

19 more days until SPRING BREAK!

Current mood: happy

4:27AM - *{Phi Theta Kappa}*

Tonight, I was officially inducted into Phi Theta Kappa. For those that don't know, Phi Theta Kappa is the largest Honor Society in the United States for two year colleges. It has over 2 million members and 1,200 chapters located in all 50 states and some international countries as well.

I'm very excited for the chance to be in this honors society because it means new opportunities. Phi Theta Kappa members have to work hard to maintain their membership, but I think it will be worth it. In order to be eligible, you have to have at least a 3.5 cumulative GPA and be enrolled for a degree. You also have to be invited to be in it by the school. At first, I didn't see it as a big deal but as I researched what Phi Theta Kappa is all about, I realized it can be a big deal. I have opportunities for transfer scholarships, special letters of recommendation, leadership activities, service in the community and tons more. I have to keep my cum GPA at 3.3 but that shouldn't be too difficult.

The induction went well, although I didn't know what to expect. I didn't think it was going to be that fancy but it was ceremonial. Luckily I was dressed semi-dressy. When I arrived, all of the inductees had to stand in a line alphabetically and do a practice walk through in the auditorium. After we did that, we did our real walk through and listened to a couple speakers on leadership, etc. There weren't too many inductees there but nonetheless, it was interesting. At one point we had to stand up and be sworn into the society. Afterwards, they read a biography on each of us inductees as we walked on the stage, and we shook the hands of the officers. We had our picture taken with the president of Phi Theta Kappa and afterwards we had a little reception with cake and refreshments. My mom took me out to dinner as a special treat, which was really nice. =)

I hope that being in this society will help me become more active in the community because that's what I'm aiming for. I really want to do more community service and I think this will allow me to do that. Anyway, I'm glad I went tonight and I'm happy that I'm apart of something like this. Hopefully new doors will open for me =)

Current mood: happy

9:22PM - *[Life]*

Current mood: annoyed

9:14PM - *[My Wish List]*

I Wish That..

-- There would be peace in the world and the war in Iraq would end

-- People treated others with respect when it comes to the color of one's skin and ethnicity

-- Girls wouldn't just give themselves to any guy and come to realize that sex is special and should be shared with someone they love

-- Girls realized just how much they're worth and not settle on being prostitutes or strippers

-- The homeless people on our streets and in our communities had more places to go

-- There would be no one homeless, period

-- Everyone in my family would get along, unite and make peace

-- Abortion would end

-- The death penalty would be done away with

-- Everyone believed and had faith in God because without him, you're forever lost

-- Men had more respect for women

-- Gays wouldn't be hated and discriminated against

-- Domestic violence would cease to exist and children weren't abused

-- My friends would understand that all the answers they are searching for they already hold

-- Everyone in the United States had health care

-- The United States would do more about the problem in Darfur rather than fight a pointless war in Iraq

-- All cancers and diseases had cures

-- My mom and dad will know how much I really do love them if something ever happens

-- I could bring all the happiness in the world to Brad and also that he knows he's worth more than he realizes and believes

-- States made it easier to attend college

-- Math wasn't so difficult for me

-- Everyone would make peace with each other whether it be my friends or other people I know

-- I could bring back all those that we love that have passed on before us

-- People would realize it's not about the religion. It's about your personal faith and belief

-- More people smiled at one another

-- Young girls placed more value on their talents and abilities rather than their looks

-- Veterans were treated better

-- My guy friends would realize that going to strip clubs is disrespectful to girls and women and no matter what they say, it isn't right

-- People would stop cutting down the rainforest

-- Really violent movies were done away with

-- People would stop murdering and killing each other and come to realize that violence doesn't solve anything

-- Men and women had equal pay and benefits

-- All companies were required to give these benefits regardless of whether you work part-time or full-time

-- Mothers would stop abandoning their newborn babies in trashcans and on the street

-- No one would have to file bankruptcy

-- People in third world countries had the privelages we do in the United States

-- Animals weren't tested upon

-- Animals who are becoming extinct will be saved

-- Humans would stop polluting the earth

-- It was safe to go out at night

-- Money wasn't so important to people

-- Everyone would live their life to the fullest and remember that it's the journey that matters and not the destination

Current mood: blah

9:07PM - *[My Mission Statement]*

♥ What I Want To Live By ♥

Current mood: blah

5:16PM - [ Being Irish Means ]

Being Irish Means...

1) You will never play professional basketball.

2) You swear very well.

3) At least one of your cousins holds political office.

4) You think you sing very well.

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short.

6) You are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf.

7) There isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone.

8) Much of your food was boiled.

9) You have never hit your head on the ceiling.

1) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling.

2) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.

3) You're, therefore, poetic a lot.

4) You will be punched for no good reason…a lot.

5) Some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations.

6) Your sister will punch you because your brother punched her.

7) Many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary, and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth.

8) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely you.

9) You don't know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.

1) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking.

2) "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge."

3) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

4) There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.

5) You are, or know someone, named "Murph."

6) If you don't know Murph, then you know Mac, if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know Sully, and you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy.

7) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

8) Your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room

9) And last but not least…Being Irish means…your attention span is so short that—oh, forget it.

Current mood: sleepy

4:46PM - **Take Me**

I came across this song while listening to the radio in the car. This song really describes everything that I'm feeling and I thought I'd share it.


Take Me
Can you hear me? Does anyone around me
Feel the way that I feel now?
Cause from the window where I sometimes cry
I just want to see Your face tonight
And I’m willing to lose everything I am

Cause I need you more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ve been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone anymore

When You’re near me, I feel like I just found me
In the traces of the boy from yesterday
But in a world that is so black and white
I will take the steps to change my life
And I won’t be coming back to here again

I need Your loving hand to guide me
Through the maze of all the things inside me
Then I’ll know that I’m alright

Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ll be going wrong so far

Tale me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not along anymore
Please help me get from worse to better
Before these tears soak through this lonely sweater
And let me know that I’m alright
I still have one strike of this match left
And I’m holding on to my last breath
And its getting a little dark around to see here

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in your eyes
Hold on it will be alright
You’re not alone

And You’ll be here forever, forever You’ll stay
And You promised to love me, You’ll love me always
You’ll love me for always, You’ll love me for always
Always

Current mood: discontent

Current music: Hawk Nelson

2:42AM - **What I've Learned This Past Week**

This past week I've learned that:

-It's okay for me to make mistakes

-What's not okay is me not learning from them

-One needs to believe in themself in order to get through this life

-Faith is the most important thing when going through something difficult

-Just because I go out with friends, it doesn't mean I have to drink or do something because everyone else is doing it

-It's not good to curse my parents just because I'm upset even if they were the ones that upset me

-The best way to get over being sad is giving to someone else in need

-It's not good to go to bed when I've just had a fight with someone I care about

-Living life to the fullest is the biggest achievement anyone can ever have, including myself

-I shouldn't take life for granted because I don't know if I'm going to be here tomorrow and I don't know if the people I love will be here tomorrow

-Miracles CAN happen, even to me

-Sometimes in order for them to happen, I have to help make them

-I shouldn't quit something just because it gets hard

-Don't always quit something because people treat you bad at work. Perseverance makes a person stronger

-I need to make a list of goals and things I want to do before I die so I can live my life to the fullest

-Cursing is really unattractive and I need to stop

-Getting in touch with someone I haven't talked to in a long time to see how they're doing is important

-I'm not going out to clubs without a huge group of friends anymore

-I need to keep in mind that guys can slip something into a girl's drink even if she has the drink in her hand

-It's okay for me to say no and it's okay to say it with force if a guy has his hands on me

-Don't always assume a cop is a cop and that it's okay to not get out of the car if he asks you to. We do have rights

-I need to treat everyone with kindness and always try to leave something on good terms, whether it's a job, a friendship or a relationship

-I need to right my wrongs with people if I made a mistake and not be scared to do it

-Not everyone I want to be friends with want to be friends back and I just need to learn to accept it and move on

-Never try to pressure a friend into doing something they aren't comfortable doing

-I don't have to go out EVERY single night. It's okay for me to relax and do nothing once in a while

-It's not a good thing for me to go out every night just to cover up my true feelings and to not have to deal with them

-In the morning, it's all the same anyway

-My Mom has a lot more wisdom than I like to admit

-It's important to say I love you

-Being single and figuring myself out is okay

-I don't need a guy to rely on. I'm independent and strong

-Money should never be the goal

-Don't judge others based on the way they look

-If a person comes through my line at work with a remarkable life and death story, realize that God sent that person into my life at that moment for a reason

-Even if I hate my job, I should put all of my effort into everything I can do because hard work builds character

-Treat homeless people with kindness, even if we don't quite understand

-Learn from a child's actions because often that's what we're lacking

-Laughter is the best medicine for heartache

-I need to stop watching the news every night because it depresses me

-I need to buy life insurance

-I'm scared of death

-And maybe I shouldn't be

-Embrace everyone I meet, even if it's someone that said hi to me at school or on the street. Every person is important

-Doing bad things to people will come back to haunt you

-Not learning from my mistakes HAVE come back to haunt me

-God is always there for us and never use his name in vain

-I am worthy of having a good relationship and I will get married and have kids someday

-I need to start giving myself more credit when it comes to school

-I need to stop being so hard on myself if I get a B instead of an A

-Worrying about things I can't change won't change the situation so there's no point in worrying

-I need to start taking my own lunch to work instead of spending wasted money on fast food

-Being healthy and fit should be on my top list of priorities

-We really should start saying Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays. Christmas is all about Christ afterall

If I don't like something about my life, I need to change it. No one else is going to change it for me

-I need to start going back to church

-I need to start taking my friends with me

-I need to start spending more time with my family because it's not until they're gone that you realize all the missed opportunities

-It's okay to be scared about something but it's even more okay to do it because you're scared. Taking chances is a good thing

-Animals have feelings too

-McDonalds is a BAD company and I will never eat there again

-I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when there are other people out there who are suffering more than I am

-We can all make a difference in a stranger's life or someone that's in our life just by listening

-Never say something if you know you're going to regret it later on and never say something if you're unsure you're going to regret it

-Hugs are a good thing

-Phone calls and e-mails aren't as important as actually spending time with that person

-Newspaper is a perfectly acceptable form of wrapping paper

-There really is no point in wrapping a present when you already know what you're getting

-Snow is absolutely beautiful

-Never park far away from a store or in a non-lit area

And the most important thing I've learned this week is:

**It's not whether you win or lose. It's not about the way you play the game. What's most important is that you played it. Kinda like life..it's not whether we win or lose in the game of life and it's not always about the way we play it, because we all make mistakes and we all play it differently. What matters is that we lived life and embraced it**

2:01AM - **Don't Give Up**

There are a few people I've been talking to lately who are going through a really hard time. All of these people have told me in the past week or so that they see no hope at all for themselves. I used to be one of those people until I heard them say it to me and I realized that there is too much out there to just give up now. Way too much. The only problem is, some people have gone through so much that they have no way of getting back on track and most of them are afraid to do so because they're afraid of what the future holds and if it does hold something, are they going to get hurt again? I've been told this by all of them. Some have told me straight out to my face, others don't have to say anything. I just know them too well.

If any of you are reading this and you know who you are, or even if this applies to you as well, there are a couple things I want to say to you. Whether this makes somewhat of a difference, I don't know. But it's always worth trying, right?

I'm not going to sit here and say that we all have gone through what you're going through. I hate it when people say that to me and I'm not going to say it to you. What I am going to say is that there IS hope. It doesn't seem like there is any now, but there is. It's just a matter of finding it. Before you get fed up and close this blog because you think I have no idea what I'm talking about, just take a chance and read on.

I know that three of you just lost family members, two through death and one because of abandonment, two of you are dealing with the aftermath of losing a relationship that you put your whole heart into and then all of a sudden the other person left, one of you has been dealing with the pain of caring about someone but have found that they don't care about you back in that way, and one of you has completely lost his sense of self that he committed some pretty horrific crimes and can't forgive himself for what he's done. Or, if you aren't one of these people mentioned, you're dealing with some pretty hurtful things in your life and you're just downright depressed. I also know that most of you have tried to ease the pain away by resorting to other things, such as drugs and alcohol. The only problem that arises is the fact that your pain isn't going away. Every morning you wake up, perhaps feeling a bit better on some days, worse on others but yet, there still is that deep void that you feel like no one else can possibly understand, including your friends. I think that's the biggest mistake that we all make. And I say we, because I'm dealing with some pretty hurtful things in my life as well and tried resorting to everything possible to just not think about it and most of all, because I didn't give a damn anymore. The only thing is, if you don't get to the conclusion that those things aren't working, you're going to get yourself in a pretty horrible and even more hurtful cycle. You have to learn to break free from the distractions and learn to somehow cope with whatever has taken place. You can choose to do it through drinking and partying, and two of you, I know through drugs, but you're still going to feel the same in the morning. And you don't have to face whatever you're going through alone. There is always one person guaranteed to be there for you and that's God.

God brings people into our lives to help us deal with certain situations at that time. God brings friends that we may have known forever or have just met into our lives to help us cope. Most of us just shove that notion aside or never are wise enough to understand it. God is working in your life, yet we are the ones who are almost always blind to it. We think God has abandoned us and so has everyone else but the truth is, we're abandoning what's right in front of us. We feel like we can't deal with anything anymore, there's a lot of anger, frustration, tears behind closed doors that you don't want anyone else to see, sadness. You're pissed off at the entire world and so you begin to detach yourself from people that are there to help you. But seriously, detaching yourself from people that God placed into your life for this exact reason is denying yourself the hope that you long for so much.

Remember that poem, the Footprints In the Sand one? Where the man is walking alone and finally asks God, why? Why is he walking alone and why hasn't God presented himself and why wasn't God there when he needed him the most? None of us knows what the man had gone through, nor does it matter. What matters is what God says to him, even after the man puts down God because he felt like God was never there. God said to him, I have always been with you. What does that mean for you? Well, everything. It means everything to me too.

In the past couple of weeks, like some people know, I've been having a major identity crisis and loss of hope for most things. I'm not quite sure when it happened or exactly how it happened but I woke up one day realizing that I'm not alone and I had this feeling in my heart, this peaceful feeling that I was going to be okay. I knew God was with me. I had this moment in the car when I was listening to this song, now on my profile, and I started crying because I couldn't handle the pain any longer and it all just came out. Right there on the road. And honestly, I had never felt so free than in that moment. Because God had somehow placed this feeling into my heart and right after this happens, I start learning of all of these other people that are hurting just like me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still dealing with a lot of things and every day can be a struggle in its own way. But what does give me peace when nothing else will is the fact that I’m not alone, even when I feel it with people in my life. I know I can sit down and talk to God knowing he’ll listen and somehow, understand. And it’s in that way that I find the strength to go on every day.

It's going to be okay. Whatever you're dealing with, it's going to be okay and you're going to get through this. There are people in your life who want to help, who God placed there for a reason. God is there and is willing to listen to you with open arms. Doesn’t matter whether you pretend as if there isn't one or whether you have denied him because you feel like he was never there when you needed him. He's always been there and always will be. The strength to get past whatever it is you're going through is inside of you and that strength was placed there by God himself. He gave it to us at the time we were born because he knew there was going to be things in our lives that we'd need it for. I don't care whether you believe in God or not, but I will tell you, he's there. And if you can't see that, than just realize that there are people who love you, who care for you. Some of us have made mistakes. Some of us haven't been as great of friends as we should have been in the past, but the point is, there is always going to be someone there to help you through your tough time, or at least to listen. Don't deny yourself that because denying yourself that is denying yourself the chance to break free. We can't all do it on our own. And whether you've been burned by people and don't want to confide in them anymore, know that you just can't do it by yourself and that not all people are going to burn you.

That hope is deep inside of you, it's just a matter of believing and letting yourself believe. If you let yourself believe, let yourself find that hope, you can break free from your suffering. There is too much ahead of you in your life to just give up, too many great things that you can have and can achieve. And to all of you who this blog is for, I hope that you realize you are worth something and that even in a difficult time, you can and will get through it.

9:26PM - **Maintaining Faith**

Many things have been lacking in my life and it's interesting how I would go to every other place to try and fill this void but yet there was one place I should have looked and instead neglected, among everything else. My faith, also known as God. I've always been deep into my faith. And I'm not talking about religion necessarily. I'm talking about my own personal relationship with God, between him and I only. I've stopped going to church, which is one place that I've always felt peaceful and happy. I think I need to start going back. One thing that also struck me lately is the way music has been helping me get through my problems. I've started listening to spiritual music in the times I was feeling at a complete loss and it took me back to a time when I was in choir. Most music I listen to I also sing. I can't listen and not sing. Singing has been a huge part of my life and singing spiritual music lately has made me feel free and somehow, safe. It's the best form of worship there is, in my opinion. As much as I've been yearning to go back to a catholic church (i'm catholic) I've also been yearning to go to other places, such as Life Center or back to Calvary. I'm seriously considering going to both from now on. The music at Life Center and Calvary really gets to my heart and the Eucharist at my catholic church makes me feel whole and complete. I need to restrengthen my faith in God because as easy as it is to think about things in a negative light, when I think about God, I know everything is going to be okay because no matter what, he's taking care of me. All I have to do is ask him for help and I find all of my burdens lifted from my shoulders. It's amazing how that can happen and if just you have a little faith, miracles can occur. Truth of the matter is, none of us can get by on our own. And if you feel like you are, there's only one place you need to look. Up.

9:29AM - **Reasons**

My friend Sarah sent this to me today and I thought it was something that should be posted for everyone to see. I couldn't have said it better myself. There is a reason for everything that happens in our life and also a reason why people come into our lives, whether they leave or they stay, whether we just met them or they're still our friends.


People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotio nally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

5:22PM - **Cherish**

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I've had quite a few things on my mind that I'd like to share.

I really enjoy November for one particular reason-it really makes a person reflect on what they're thankful for. Or, at least that's what this holiday is supposed to do. It's not just about the turkey and trimmings...it's about all of those things in our lives which we take for granted sometimes and we shouldn't. It's about all the people that are in our lives that we're so thankful to have and it's about all of which we've loved and may have lost, but yet we're thankful to have had the experience. I was reflecting upon this yesterday and here's what I came up with...

Not enough people see Thanksgiving for what it really is. In fact, it's more than just my brief description above. Yes, it's a time to cherish and value those things that hold deep meaning in our lives but it's also the time to start giving to other people, especially those less fortunate. Perhaps even make an effort to reach out to those that you may deem your enemies. Why do I say this? Well, here's one thought:

This time of year is a year of magic and miracles. No, I'm not talking about the type of magic little children think of. No jolly old man in a red suit here. WE create the magic ourselves. Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the holiday season and it's this season that is considered the most spirited. People are always in a chipper mood, and for some reason, feel way more giving than the rest of the year. This is a prime time to not just give to people you know and love, but reach out to the people that you may not be on good terms with. Family members, friends, co-workers. If more people spread a little bit of holiday cheer, everyone would realize what forgiveness is all about and really, what the season is all about. Take away the materialistic aspect and just think for a moment about all of the things that pass us by when we get too caught up in gifts and shopping. We miss an entire opportunity to spread love and happiness in the way that it truly matters. Not just by what we give to a person gift wise, but by showing someone else that we care in our actions and in our words. This is a great time of year to make up with your enemies and to reach out to those who you may not even realize are suffering, enemies included. And I know for a fact, none of us our happy when we're at odds with other people. When you reach out AND forgive, even those who have wronged you, that is truly the gift of magic. And magic, as you may have heard, can be everlasting.

After reflecting on all of this and making an effort myself to change my ways towards certain people, I realized there's no reason to be sad, something I was feeling a lot yesterday because I didn't think I'd have enough money for Christmas. Seriously, when did this country get so dang materialistic? What happened to giving in other ways, not just in money and gifts? What about just being kind? There really is no reason to be sad because when you think about it, we all have everything that we could possibly need. If you're worrying about money and stressing out about all the gifts you need to buy people, seriously just stop and think. There is absolutely NO REASON to be stressed. If you have a roof over your head, food in your fridge, blankets on your bed and clothes on your back, you have everything that you need and so does everyone else. What people need more than gifts is your kindness and time. Granted, there are homeless people that do need those things but do you really think that the people truly hurting are going to just be thinking about the blanket that you may hand them on the street? Perhaps it will cross their mind, but what will really blow them away is the thought. The fact that you cared enough to give them that blanket, the fact that you cared enough to realize they're human too. It's not just the thing itself. It's the act of kindness that truly creates an impact on others. And this brings me to my final thought.

We, myself included, need to start looking at things in a completely different light. Stop stressing about Thanksgiving dinner, stop stressing about the next paycheck you need to set away for gifts, stop thinking about your aunt or uncle coming into town and running around trying to clean up the house. Be thankful that you have a dinner to put food in your mouth, be thankful that you have a paycheck to put a roof over your head and be thankful for whoever it is you're spending time with or have in your life. Be thankful for what God has provided you and stop stressing over the things in life that absolutely have no meaning at all. Be thankful for what you have and be happy with what you have, because when you're just content with the simple things, you're able to take in the beauty of life and spend more time giving to others in the ways that truly matter: through your kindness and heart. And really, when it all comes down to it, these really are the things in life to be cherished and it's these things that make this holiday so magical.

9:47AM - **Hope**

No matter how difficult our situations, we can always get through them. Each of us has the strength to overcome our difficulties and trials. It's just a matter of looking within ourselves to pull out that strength. When we go through tough things, sometimes we lose that will to keep going on. But the fact of the matter is, we have to. We have to continue going on because each of us has so much to offer the world, whether we realize it or not. No matter what your struggle is, the answer is inside of you. It doesn't matter whether we're going through friendship problems, family problems or relationship problems. If you find yourself at a crossroad in your life, finding that each day is nothing more than the same as the last one, then change it. Do something to change it because only you can change the path that your life is taking.

Last week I didn't have much hope. I admit, I've been struggling pretty bad. If you were to look at me, those that don't know me too well, nothing would appear wrong. There are some however, that know me too well and they can take one look into my eyes and know right off the bat that something isn't quite right inside of me. How that is, I don't know. Because I'm not one to usually wear my heart on my sleeve. I hate it when people can predict me that well and I usually deny that something is wrong. But of course, I'm lying. =)

Little by little, each day that goes by, I'm able to face with more strength the past 5 years and what has taken place. I'm starting to feel better and I knew I would. I'm not sure what took place exactly, but I know that somehow, somewhere, I found a light of hope inside of myself. I've been praying quite a bit lately, getting back into touch with my spiritual self, something that has been lacking in my life tremendously. It's amazing how you can lose touch with that part of yourself and almost immediately you feel broken and empty. I really don't want to feel broken and empty any longer and I'm choosing to change that and make it better and never deny myself what I need again.

If it would ever be easy to lose hope, the time would be now. But I haven't and all I had to do was reach inside of me for the answer. I didn't know it would be there but it was and it always has been. All the answers you ever need to your life or life's hard questions lies right there within your heart and soul. It's just a matter of picking the right key to unlock them. And once you start to turn the lock, make sure that you never look back.

Current mood: calm

8:14PM - **Changes and Mistakes**

Life. Something that we were all born into without a chance to wave our hands and say, "Please stop! Not me, not me!!" Life came and took hold of us as it pleased and none of us had any say in it's decision to grab hold and plop us down onto the face of the earth. We were born into a world full of uncertanties and wonders. It would have been nice to be provided with a handbook on how to handle certain situations that we would all eventually come to face. Perhaps be provided with some shortcuts to get around heartache and making stupid decisions. But, as it turns out, life didn't hand us a book on the how-to's of life. Instead, life provided us with the equipment to make our own decisions, otherwise called our mind and our heart. Mind Heart = common sense. Most of the time it equals out to common sense anyway. There's only one tiny little problem with the equipment life gave to us to help us along this uncertain journey that was inevitable. Some of us still haven't figured out the technicalities or how to work the mind and the heart to achieve absolute harmony. Thus, we were born into what life likes to call trial and error. And along with it, comes life experiences. Apparently life expected us to take our mind and heart and use them when certain experiences came our way. And by each of us doing so, we have each weaved our own path in life and started to choose the path in which each of us was meant to go on. But what does that path have in store for us? We don't know. That's the tricky part.

Trial and error is extremely difficult. All of us have had experiences in our life that we've had to struggle our way through. Sometimes some of us found ourselves liking the experiences and sometimes some of us found that we didn't. It's because experiences bring about uncertainty. We're supposed to make decisions and each decision or choice we make will decide how that experience will turn out. We mold our own life and the choices we make are sometimes poor and sometimes good. When we go through an experience, whether a poor one or a good one, it's important to learn from each one that comes our way. Otherwise, making the same mistake will push you into a continuous cycle of trial and error. You go through the trials and there are the errors, but have you learned from them? Learning brings about knowledge. And unless you learn from the choices you make and realize how those choices may have changed your life path, you will never have the knowledge to not make the same mistake twice. And most of us can say that we've made this mistake. Including myself.

I wish I could say that I've learned from the most common mistake people make: If you get yourself into a mess and you didn't like the way it turned out or how horrible you were feeling, learn from it and don't make the same mistake twice. But, unfortunately, I can't say that I have. Until recently.

Why is it that when things are right in front of us, staring us in the face, that we refuse to see it until it's too late? Or is it too late? Is it possible to turn back the clocks and make up for the mistakes that we've made that now we want to change? I'm not sure. Although I can say I've tried this. And I can say that it's ended up in somewhat of a disaster. That's what happens when emotions get involved and one day you're feeling one thing and the next day you're feeling completely different. You mean well, you mean to right whatever wrongs you made, whether with yourself or with another person, but sometimes it doesn't turn out as you had hoped. Or as you needed.

I've made plenty of mistakes and the one mistake that I have made is thinking that I needed to change who I was to make someone accept me. And because I did that, because a lot of us have done that, we miss out on a whole other experience altogether. And we have no one to blame but ourselves. Because it was our choice. And it was because of our choice that the situation turned out as it did. This is what most of us can refer to as regret. When you make a choice and you regret how it turned out and yet you're stuck trying to fix it. But can you? I don't know anymore.

None of us should ever change for someone else. It doesn't matter who you're dating or what experience you're going through. How many of us have had parents that we've been trying to please all of our life and yet it seemed no matter what we do, it isn't enough? We're afraid of rejection so we keep changing, we keep changing for THEM, thinking that if we do something else, if we change something else about ourselves, that perhaps they'll be proud of us and accept us. Maybe then they'll tell us that they're proud of what we've done. I've never seen this happen. And if it does happen, it doesn't matter if they accept you anymore. Because you did the wrong thing and you changed who you were so they would accept you, yet they should have accepted you in the first place because if you care or love someone, you accept who they are and don't want them to change. That's why you loved them in the first place, is it not? And if not, then you didn't truly love them or care for them. We need to stop trying to please other people and start taking care of ourselves.

When we change for others, we're locking ourselves up in our own chains and we become our own worst enemy. We begin to resent that other person for making us change. But really, we held ourselves down, we made the choice to change and then we end up unhappy. That's not the other person's fault really, it's ours. I've made this mistake for the past 5 years. I changed who I was once I got into a relationship and he changed as well. And we both made that choice thinking that if we changed certain things about ourselves, it would make the other person happy. I was blind. Blind for 5 years. And now I know that this was a mistake. We both made such a huge effort to change that we are now completely two different people who are completely miserable and can no longer find a way to make each other happy because we've drained our hearts and our minds trying to please the other person. It's not fair to either of us to feel this way anymore.

One of the main things about who I was before I got into the relationship, was the fact that I loved people. I made an effort to be friends with everyone, no matter who they were. Most people I actually associated with were people that were on drugs and on the streets. They made choices in their lives that weren't good choices and I befriended them. I wasn't afraid of it and I wasn't afraid to help others turn their life around. At school, I was friends with so many people. I had a huge social life and was always known to everyone as the "counselor." My friends-guys and girls-would come to me all the time to get help if they were going through something bad in their life. They would come to me and I would listen and try to offer any advice that I could to help them through it. I would go out every weekend, hang out with everyone I could because I loved being around people and I loved meeting new ones. Once I got into the relationship, I changed that about myself. I let go of certain people that came into my life because it caused problems within our relationship. And he let go of what he loved to do- he loved to motocross, do all those risky things that guys his age like to do. He did it because I was uncomfortable with it. And he gave up friends and people in his life too. I couldn't accept it and I'm sorry for not doing that because I needed to and if I could turn back time, I would accept it and have him do those things because that's who I fell in love with. But he also made that choice to change for me and I made the choice to change for him. He thought it would make me happy if he changed and I thought it would make him happy if I did the same. But what it did was make us miserable.

When I put my heart into something I really dedicate myself to it. And I dedicated myself to this relationship for 5 years, trying to make it work, trying to make it work because to me, the biggest regret would be to let go of it and not know what could have happened. I made mistakes, a lot of them. We both did. But the biggest mistake was compromising who I was. And it's not his fault, it's mine. I'm sorry that he gave up motocrossing for me and I'm sorry that he lost people in his life because he thought it would make me happy and most of all, I'm sorry that neither of us had the knowledge to realize how unhealthy this whole thing was turning out to be. And now we both have regrets and we both want to turn back time but the only thing we can both do is learn from this and change who we are for ourselves.

I'm no longer afraid to say this and I'm going to say this because this really is who I am. I gave up a lot of friendships in the past 5 years. Most of them were friendships that meant a lot to me and that I wanted in my life. Most of these people know who they are and I don't need to say any names. I hurt people, 5 or 6 different people, because I blew them all off and it wasn't right. And it's never what I wanted. I not only hurt them but I hurt myself and I hurt this guy I was in a relationship with because all along he thought I didn't want the friendships but now in the past couple of days he has realized that I always did want them. This is what happens when you change yourself and you don't let the other person know that's not who you want to become. I'm sorry I hurt those people and I'm sorry I hurt this guy I was with. I wasn't honest with what I wanted, I was too afraid to speak up and a lot of people got pushed away because of it and I have no one to blame for it but myself. I got myself into my own mess, into many of them. Trying to work out these friendships and then going back and hurting them again because I at the same time was afraid to change back to who I was before.

I'm struggling now to figure out how to mend this relationship and how to mend the broken friendships, which I've failed at doing so many times. I made the choice to change and now I don't know if this relationship or these friendships can ever be mended again. I want them to be, I want there to be peace. I now know the only one that can change my life is myself. And the only person that can make me truly happy is me. And for him and for all those that got hurt because I was an idiot, I apologize and whatever you do-cherish who you are and embrace yourself. Because when you do that, others will embrace you and respect you more for it. Change only if you want to change, not because you want to please someone else. Learn from your mistakes before it's too late and always right the wrongs that you have made with people because that's the right thing to do.

The only thing left for me to do is try to hold on. Hold on to the fact that I will get through this tough time and that I can do anything that I want to put my mind to. I know things will change for the better eventually, it's just a matter of facing what I've been blind to for so long, facing my own mistakes. And it's time to take responsibility for my life and the way it's turned out.


"Don't you know, things will change, things will go your way, if you hold on for one more day"

Current mood: drained

5:05PM - **Thirsty**